Sunday, December 9, 2012
Maybe the start and inspiration to this blog is the endless Sex and The City episodes I have been watching during my down-time -complete sloth behaviour and resting your body and mind from a stressful busy life-, involving sin and heaven all in one.
This time last year I was a very different person. I would never have thought I would behave, endure and experience such things in the past year. Things, that's how I can best possible describe it. Isn't that sad? I can not even define the "things", which is the reason for my outlet. I am pretty sure, if you are a girl and succumbs to society and "normal" behaviours/activities/way of thinking, then you will have friends who you discuss your life with, but mostly your love life. I have always hated the term love-life, why does your life have to separated and organised so you end up thinking sectionally? To me that just creates problems and forcing yourself to think that way because you have that section that is either overflowing or under-fulfilled.
So here it begins...Read at your own risk!
This past month I have made decisions, broke decisions and been completely indecisive. What is that? I am the type of female who always tries to keep it under control and acts serious. From my first break-up I have been lost and tried to be someone else many times over. The type of girl who misses her ex, the type of girl who dates, the type of girl who seeks indiscretion, the type of girl who dates, the type of girl who tries many new things just to try it and the type of girl who is completely oblivious. The list could go on, I know some of you will and can relate. Some of my friends judge me so much when I tell them what has been happening in my monstrosity of a life, they find me confusing and completely crazy. The biggest burning issue and disgust with that is, they have not experienced what I have or even remotely close to a relationship. I am not ignorant, stupid or stubborn. I appreciate and understand the other-side view but understand this, with matters of the heart it is not rational or logical. Believe me, I were one of those people who rolled my eyes and did not believe in such nonsense. It really is true that until you are in the particular position you will never know or understand. So don't judge. This could be a long post about that sort of thing...I know the whole aspects of the situation.
Anyway, this blog is not out of the ordinary or glamourous in the slightest, there are is no New York City, fancy lavish dinners, coffee-shops, designer labels and cosmopolitans. Just cheap Sainsbury wine (2 bottles for £4.50). This is Britain, England, not exciting London where the city-life approaches. I live in two different towns in a year, both of them near a city but still a safe and pleasant environment. Some of you must be bored now.Safe and pleasant falls into nice, which falls into no entertainment because it's reality and not some fantasy parallel universe where it's exciting and out of this world amazing.
Okay, some exciting news that seems out of this world, -to give you hope and keep you switched on for the future - I will be moving to Amsterdam, The Netherlands, next February till the summer.
This past two weeks, I have been surrounded by air. Air signs. Now I am a "typical" girl to the point where I am into horoscopes, yes I believe in horoscopes both western and eastern (to some extent). The stars tells us blah blah blah. Honestly, I have never believed in anything more in my life; it all started with a boy but then after something had happened to me I would read my horoscopes and it would tell me, in a different way, exactly what had happened! What I am feeling, thinking and experiencing. It sounds stupid to some people, but to me I simply don't care. It's what I believe for my reasons and don't step on that. I mean it. So...there's a Libra and Gemini in my life at the moment. Troy is the Libra, and Jack the Gemini. Both bad for me in terms of compatibility.
Now on to the facts. I feel like I am on a see-saw, one man/boy (sometimes) on either side and one of them are either up or down with responding to me. One guy I will not hear from for 2 weeks at a time then we will spend a lot of time together for a few days, then it will resume back to not hearing from him for a while. This reoccurring relationship has been happening since February. Jack is a guy who I have known, seen around at the same times but never spoke and then when we did there was a lot of flirting and fireworks. He entered his BBM pin into my phone when I wasn't aware, the audacity and pure daring bugged me a little but mostly, I found it incredibly attractive. We saw and talked to each other a lot at the start then it fizzled, now every few moments something happens and I question if what was said had been true. I know some of you think both are losers but I will go into details later. I can't reveal everything in one post, I am not writing a book.
I will leave you with this though, with both of these men time stands still eternally. When I am with them I experience this whole, "it's just us two" moment. Trust me when I say I am not the romantic, lovey-dovey and believe fairy tale stories of great loves. I live in the real world where I see exactly what is and what it isn't. For me to say this, it means a lot. The person must mean a lot.
I spent the weekend with Troy, hanging with his friends most of the day smoking weed and trying to deal with a hangover. Weed you hear? Don't judge is my motto always. You will hear that a lot here, this is real and full of everything that happens in this world. I am not trying to influence, set an example or shock. I am just writing. Full of sin. Alcohol, drugs, sex. It was more or less a comfortable chill out session. When we were together just us two, he held me not speaking just breathing on me falling to sleep. It felt nice. I just knew he felt comfortable around me which is a big deal for him because his boys are his number one priority. Plus he had a work deadline, normally time spent would be when he had completely nothing on. I moved from casual a while ago, it was still not serious enough but it didn't feel like before where I was stuck. It had progressed, whatever "it" was. Slowly, surely.
He had progressed and I believe it. It took a while and probably all his courage to say it. I gave him credit because it meant a lot coming from him, the type of guy who told me he likes me a lot, he wasn't going to say it. It referring to love. The type of guy who said he wanted things to carry on with us, in-between casual and relationship, but maybe it wasn't a good idea for me if I was going to get too attached. At least he is a nice enough person to not string me along and lie to me, that was it. He is a decent person, to other people. He cares and feels about their feelings. He had previously told me he was in a relationship for 3 years, a very long time ago from when I had met him, it was his bad experience that scarred him for life plus his friends are so high on his priorities that he does not think girls can understand/cope with that. He wants to spend a lot of his time with his friends, and when he is not with them then it's family closely followed by me. Some people wouldn't understand that, I on the other hand understood completely. That is exactly how I want my balance, my career came first then family & friends then _____. I hate terms for a partner, even that word makes me cringe. Boyfriend, other-half, why is there not a more suitable word for, someone who I find attractive and care about. I told him there and then, as reassurance, that I would never think or want to get in-between him and his boys. I feel okay that he wants to spend 90% of his time with his friends. FYI, I am not exactly completely comfortable with spending too much time with someone, I need my alone space more often than not. I can tell you find me strange already. Join the club.
It shook me to the core, even when thinking about it I cannot help feel butterflies and nervousness in my stomach. I was completely caught off guard and it literally took my breath away. His few words of, I feel for you something deep, I know it's deep, I dunno how deep or what it is but it is there and I know I need to make a decision, I need to start making effort and doing something right which I will cos I don't want this to end. And he still thinks him and I will carry on when I am temporarily in Amsterdam, plus he wants to visit me in Amsterdam. It seemed completely out of the blue, I didn't know what to say, feel or think.
That is enough for one night...I am tired now.
What are your thought?
How was your weekend?
Goodnight and enjoy.